SUPER MARIO: FROM PLATFORM GAMES TO MORAL PANIC

Written by Graham on Thursday 30th March 2023.

Another old piece of tat as I cannot be bothered coming up with something new and original.

It has come to my attention that the popular console game hero Super Mario and the eponymous franchise is not some harmless pastime for our beloved children, but is, in fact, a sinister force for evil on a number of levels.

I recall that, as a young buck, I would often be exposed to games like "Super Mario Brothers," "Super Mario Kart (sic)" and their ilk. Indeed, not being a man of experience as I am today, I thought little of it at the time but, reflecting upon it, I now recant my earlier beliefs.

I write this as these games have proved so insidious in our society, addicting many otherwise normal, healthy people to a life of slavery to little machines and displays, with the potential of irrevocable brain damage ensuing therefrom.

Also, the content of this sort of "harmless fun" is dubious to say the least.

DRUG ABUSE

In the origin of the franchise, the game "Super Mario Brothers," our hero, Mario, and his taller, more stupid, younger brother Luigi, are faced with various scenarios necessitating their running along various platforms in order to complete what have come to be known as "levels."

On these journeys, the protagonists can gain access to various mushrooms which enable them to become exponentially larger for a short period of time.

In this altered state, they may come into contact with a certain flowering plant, the effects of which are to render them supposedly invulnerable for a short time, during which they are able to fire thunderbolts like some sort of Indo-European sky god.

Things are not well, however, when the effects wear off: Mario (or Luigi) are then faced with imminent peril, being assailed by a host of large tortoise-like creatures.

Somebody in Japan has been listening to Jefferson Airplane somewhere along the line.

What is patently obvious here is that the mushrooms and flowering plants represent mind altering recreational drugs, the like of which are becoming increasingly available in modern society. What sort of message is this giving to the youth of today?

However, these Beatles-like drug references are not the only brazen iniquities to be found in these articles.

HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY

I grew up in the 1980s. As such, I learned at a young age certain things about the contemporary porn industry.

But what has this got to do with Super Mario and his sidekick Luigi?

Both Mario and Luigi are reputed to work in the plumbing industry. However, neither man is ever shown engaged in his alleged craft;
Both men wear mustaches - a trait also seen in the male "actors" in pornographic material of a certain vintage, such as John Holmes and Ron Jeremy;
Mario appears to have some kind of romantic attachment with a female character in the games, namely Princess Peach. "Princess Peach" is very likely a pseudonym, as no realistic character would bear such a monicker. Such a pseudonym is of a type often utilised by females who make a career from working in the pornographic industry;
The name "Super Mario" (neither Mario and Luigi have any widely known surname, Italian or otherwise) cannot help but remind one of names like "Amazing Omar" and "Long Dong Silver." Thus, I identify it as the sort of term used in the business of filth for a male lead possessed of a substantially long penis, well above the accepted male average. The "Super" in Mario's name is likely to refer to his liberal endowment in the lower abdominal department. Otherwise, it could refer to an ability to engage in vigorous sexual activity over a longer period than is expected of a male;
Mario's first attested appearance in the video gamind world was in the 1981 arcade "classic" Donkey Kong. In it, he appeared using a different pseudonym: Jumpman. The verb "jump" is often used, either alone or in combination with other words, in industrial language to describe the act of coitus. In addition, "Donkey Kong" is a name remeniscent of old fashioned views on African males, reputed to be the race with the largest members. "Hung like a donkey" is another vulgarism to reflect a particularly large penis and Donkey Kong takes the appearance of a large ape - an outmoded racial stereotype often used for people with African descent. Thus, racial prejudice becomes another hallmark of Mario et al.

In conclusion, not only does the mustachioed "plumber" Mario engage in overt drug abuse during the course of his antics, but his demeanour also leads me to suspect that, away from the standard world of video gaming, he moonlights as a "star" in the shady world of hardcore pornography. In the course of this career, he has come into contact (indeed, contact of the most intimate kind) with a blonde female terming herself "Princess Peach." As yet, no official photoshoot or video has been located, but without doubt these articles do exist in archives, quite possibly on Betamax if this phase of the pair's careers preceeded their Nintendo fame. This chronology is sound: one major reason cited for appearing in adult material is a need for ready cash. This would likely before any sustained success in the gaming world. It was presumably during this phase of his career that Super Mario came into contact with a black male porn actor using the pseudonym "Donkey Kong." The pair would go on to mind some success in gaming before Mario struck out with his brother.

PROMOTING SUBOPTIMAL DRIVING STANDARDS

With success came expansion from the platform genre, including a stint in racing cars. This phase in Mario and his cronies' careers was epitomised by reckless driving, driving well above recommended speed maximums and throwing articles from cars into the path of other, similarly poor, drivers.

This shows scant regard for the Highway Code and is to be condemned.

In my opinion, hosts of "boy racers" would likely have been better served in their formative years if this particular arm of the Super Mario juggernaut had instead focussed on responsible driving within an agreed speed limit and better courtesy and regard for other road users. I shudder to think how many lives have been lost needlessly for the sake of emulating their dubious, drug taking satyr hero Super Mario.

SUMMARY

In short, what with drug overdoses, sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS and speed-related motoring deaths, Super Mario and his associates deserve a long sentence to ponder upon the effects of their sinister careers on the impressionable...

... but, unfortunately, they're only fictional, so we'll blame heavy rock music instead. Ho hum.